the challenging.

I want to live so authentically

And bleed

I want to experience hunger pangs

Feel that sweat streaming

I want to realize that this life isn’t about me.

 

Constant pronouns

Constant incessant advertisements on who we’re meant to be.

I am not me.

I am not who you make of me.

Your projections, recitations of “oh you’d make…”

I let things reach me too easily.

I let that guard down because I can foolishly trust

Or I don’t know how to take a grain of salt where I ought to,

Must.

 

I thought I find life worthwhile in serving.

Like, my life has no worth other than in serving others.

That’s where I think,

There’s anything of worth –

But like I’d ask in psychology classes

Isn’t altruism just a selfish way of saying,

Hey I do good, ‘cause it makes me feel good;

How about when it doesn’t?

When it pushes that uncomfortable envelope

When you work past barriers of your own strictures

When you traverse lands, when you traverse grudges

To forgiveness.

 

It’s hard, to let go.

It’s hard to reframe your mind and try to re-see

What your viewpoint of life has been, so readily.

 

To learn to love

In sense of being.

06/27/17

T.L.C.

the way you talk

the way you groove

 

i was beyond belief

that moment

you told me

 

i miss you so dearly

the weight of your skin

as it presses upon me

bringing too much with it

 

let me take the time

to memorize

this snippet in time

that’ll be gone

the moment you realize

this isn’t for you

it isn’t for me

but in this instance

 

we can be free.

5.09.17

I think I felt bad to leave you be

Remnants of a relationship

Of closeness

That were fleeting

But expansive in meaning

 

Of conversations that long

Flowed

They were verbose

But demanded a stringent silliness

In being

 

I will have a memory of you with me

How long in repose

In what cryogenic stasis

Will it sleep

When will it thaw to beating

 

No one knows.

 

I will have a memory of you with me

How long it’ll stay

In a debatable existence

Shaky foundations keep

Will we go on, stagnant yet fleeing?

5.14.17

When you’re at the 2:56 of life

It’s a crux of four minutes

That makes or reshapes

Future dreams

If it’s the challenge you’re scared of, face it

If it’s the distance you’re hesitant about, cross it

If it’s the loneliness you’ll feel, embrace it

If it’s the doubt you engage in, disengage from it

 

If it’s you you want to find in a foreign land,

Don’t stifle the silence

Embrace that simplicity

Find something more nifty

Than dollar signs

And cultural mores

 

And if it’s not the food or the people

Or the difference in humanity

 

What’s truly at stake?

Social posturing

Climbing up that maddening ladder

Competing against the voice inside your head

Saying salary and position in life

and approval matters?

 

What if you approved of yourself,

And that in itself,

is enough.

5.14.17

Get over yourself

no one gives a crap

dance like nobody’s watching

and even when all eyes are on you

mess up,

’cause it’s your solo

make it grandeur

and as bad

as it needs to be

ask yourself why is it to others’ you’re venturing

ask yourself what is that end glory

ask what is that race you’re running

and to where do you dare go –

hindered by self and doubts in tow

 

if it is something wrong with me,

revel instead in that confused glory.

5.14.17

4.15.17

When everything is mediocre
And you search for meaning
In something devoid and dead
You look askance for reason
In every conceivable direction
Except the right or left
By way of traditional wisdom
You look in every conceiveable direction
But it’s not there.
You’re not really searching anywhere
Except going mad in a mindless loop
Thinking that existence of purpose
Lives outside you
When indeed truly, it could but
Isn’t there possibility and good
Inside to behold
And truly a number of meaning would unfold
But you’re afraid and irked, aren’t you
This day by night flying, doesn’t suit you.

Seb.

I like it when you hold my neck
Sidle body in sweet nothings to me
When your lips whisper across my skin
It’s a nibbling nuisance that leaves marks
Truly, I don’t mind it
I crave that roughened edge
The bite and bruise you’ll leave
So despite the silence
That speaks for goodbyes
And taciturn moments
We try and lay
As if we’ve been lovers for a month
Rather than a handful of moments a day
3.15.17