if life were any

if life were any shorter, i would stop making excuses, engaging in this mental gerrymandering that brings you all at once closer, farther, closer, farther, closer . 20161230:1842 y

Source: if life were any



I thought I had control

He and I talked up once again

And blinded by apathy or sin

I didn’t mind, initially,

The frenetic way I engaged

With him

I thought I had control


Apparently I’m not one to learn from mistakes

No matter where I’ve been

Houston, San Antonio,

Online rooms,

Apparently I’m not one to learn from my mistakes


No matter where I’ve been.


Now I write this out,

The nth poem

Hashing things out

A grandeur release

A climax always pre-deceased

As I write this out.


My body for a while

I saw a ragdoll,

An enticing thing to perform

Not one sacred, not part of a soul

Or if it was, allow it to be

Destroyed, not caring to salvage anymore

That was my body for a while


And a time I realized

Why not enjoy the sights

Of your face, shoulders, chest existence

In my space

Why not take you in

I longed for your sighs

A face pressed into pillow, entangled in sheets

A comfort, a warmth, an understanding being

I longed for your sighs


I loved to tease you too;

Bring us both to brinks,

Irk and ruffle blanket sheets

I loved to tease you too


I always seem to come back

You’re a habit, I break

But cannot crack

Do I know you

Do you know me

I always seem to come back.


A man I found online

On a site notorious for sleaze

Along with selling and giving away things

A man I found online


There was a friend who knew

Of my heartbreak, with you

He was sympathetic, but he cared too

There was a friend who knew


He had a knack for stories

And decided to write me in,

Intertwined, I had a choice

I succumbed, then; this man that

Had a knack for stories


In between this all

Our flow was quite stalled

By my actions as of late

I couldn’t, wouldn’t dare reveal them

In between us, this all


How will I know?

If you’re thinking of me

This is vanity’s most finest moment

Pining for someone who

You pushed away purposefully


So it was then, a man

I knew from living in

He had an exotic view, EDM

I knew him from the

Room that I lived in


And thereon it was hard to deal

With the face in the mirror

With the strangers I forayed

Into the darkness with

Excitement, frightening tremors

Heightening it


Lips that quested for mine

Strangers that pushed desire

And the way I curiously poured my interest in

These lips that quested for mine


But I’m jealous of the way
Trinket can see your face
And yap at you so freely,
I’m jealous of the way

I’m jealous of the way,
Snow falls upon your skin
And melts its way until your pores
Absorb the moisture, take in the nutrients

I wish I hadn’t been so petty
Nor with a wandering heart

I’m saddened by the way
How rowdy I let us be
Yet I’m happy for those moments, free
I’m saddened by the way

I wondered where we would be
If we stopped talking last fall
To let that silence descend on us
And I was thinking,
Would we ever speak at all.

How well do you know me?
Am I made up of what you think?
Or am I made up of conversations
Snippets and photographs
And private intimations
Of which we could only speak.

I thought you didn’t care
So deep was my callousness
A despair and reckless being
So I thought,
Oh what the hell
Why don’t I do what I think
After all
Our sentiments were no more
I fell into a pattern of being


I miss those small gestures
Sweep a speck of hair
Lightly boop the tip of your nose

Almost unfettered,
Did these emotions flow
I’m sure they built over time
Was ours a whirlwind most sublime
Or was it just technology
In tandem with millennial boredom
And coincidence
And shared favorites
Similar purposes
We met for one reason,
We kept talking for another –

Never met
Yet our
Convo has kept
Has endured its
Own type of tests.
This cannot be imagined.

We met before I left for Korea
(Should say was to leave*)
Towards the end of October
You’d returned recently from a concert
To your liking.
We talked of pumpkins and ghosts
And nightmares galore,
Then at that moment, I thought:
I could never like this guy, even date him
But what Future has in store.

So we talked and talked and talked
You’d think it was eons and absurdity, it was.
2 am to 3 am conversations
Nonsensical things
By December we were both enamored
Or at least interested (infatuated? Came later?)

And expressed as much,
But I admitted first.

Since 2014, I guess you’d agree we’ve talked
And that spring I was to leave
But devastated
To find out
That there was barely any time
For me visiting.
I was so endlessly hung up,
On seeing you.

And you were nervous, cautious
You had your own reasons too.

We threw one another for all these loops,
So instead of Korea, I went to Houston.
If nothing makes sense it’s this,
Despite all the mistakes, those late nights, those underground clubs, those variety of eateries  (Peruvian, German, Mediterranean, Pies)
The silence was unnerving,
Your support at first was unwavering,
Until I realized I could not easily take
The lack of bodies around,
A seeming longing enough profound,
No friends, no family
Should’ve been what I wished
Instead closeness was gleaned
From a man
Somewhere in Connecticut