to make sense.

I am sad

We’re not the same as before

From when we gladly would take less than a split second to decide

On whether a restaurant

Held our interest and that particular brand

Of zest, fulfillment, life

 

But now we’re separated

An invisible roadblock;

It is to life and the loss of element –

 

Not that you ever asked,

Or that I ever quite complained

 

But it hurt when you used my sins against me

When you’d throw me to the dogs

If only it’d bring you to a higher point in his eyes

 

I am not the victim and yet

You and I have much growing up to do

In dealings with men

Or lack thereof relationships

 

I know we’re trying to grow,

Respectively,

Me

You

 

And this whole time, I thought I had the grander, better perspective;

That I knew what to do,

So it was as if I schooled, tutored you;

But you have, you are your own person, being.

 

I don’t somehow, regret what I did

As callous as it sounds in being

But I do regret how it made you feel –

 

But in a bittersweet way,

It felt like comeuppance,

Because then you and then I

Understood what it was like to be betrayed.

 

No matter the times I’ll say

Nothing happened of the sort

And who cares if I like him or not –

Things are cut off, but tendrils ever casting their shadows

Hold a presence even when the concrete

Has been cast off.

 

So I don’t want to cling onto a friendship

That has in a way grown past due

Because maybe I, too, was unhealthy for you.

 

I can’t and I do presume to be a knowing voice of fortitude;

Yet you saw me mess up time and time again,

But hell, I’m trying, really trying

To be better than the person I am.

 

You’ll not read this,

Unless I show you.

 

I speak to complications,

And intertwined webs of pseudo jealousy –

I am sad because our allegiance sways

And there’s no trust, belief

 

And I wish there was a scapegoat to blame;

I wish I could pin it on human faults,

Allowing remnants of what existed

Of our friendship, to fester

In plain. Sight.

 

But you had overstepped where you did,

And it’s so hard to forgive you.

And I had callously done what I did

I am not the person you make me out to be

Because my own demons could pitchfork me

Into another realm, unseeing;

So now you can’t believe me,

Which makes sense.

 

To this lackluster friendship, feeling

I guess this is what does/n’t make sense.

10/16/17

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Straight up.

the taste of you.

like a potent,

strong heady brew

he lures me in –

not with platitudes

but the comfort of himself,

all that i took too well

all that we can offer or see

is caught up in texture,

emotional feeling.

 

i take up this space in the mind

his words formulate to impact

and remind me why

things are better left untouched

but we had gone where we did

traversed planes of closeness

with music and sentiment

 

–if only eyes could absorb,

dispel, ring truth

yet our awkward doubts resonated through.

 

you were honest with me as i,

haven’t entirely been with you.

i’d sip you so cautiously –

but you’re not mine to consume.

a part of my heart said,

to let you go –

another headier, selfish part said

but why – what harm though?

Now I see.

Emotions take a toll,

even with lack of physicality.

 

08/10/17

The Night We Kept

Take me back to

The night we kept

Close to us

Remember us

And now we’re loosed

I want you to be freed

In your own symphony

So you float,

On your own boat

Wherever you sail to go

May then, there be vast waters competing

 

None of that easy sailing stuff

But the tune,

The yearning of that endless night

To guide you home.

07.27.17

hold onto me.

We both like comfort

We met halfway

But we have our problems

So neither will want to stay

Because to stay long enough

Would mean we’d dive too deep

But I still want you to hold

Onto me, hold onto me

 

You’re a drifter

I’m a dreamer

We have these differing ideals

Except when in close proximity

Your covers are mine to half-heartedly steal

 

Still we’d long to cling like

Vines to trees

So hold onto me, hold

Onto me

 

You say if we get close and dive too deep

You’d be devastated if I’d hate you –

And leave

So you stay away

And I understand that wish to avoid the pain –

 

Could you comfort me anyways?

 

Like bright eyes would croon in a voice strangled speak:

If you love something set it free.

07/12/17