and yet

You don’t know
How I’ve wanted to contact you
How many times I rescinded those
Messages
Download
Delete
Uninstall feeling.

You should have been
Like others
This perfect release
Parameters set
Guidelines met

Yet, we were both lacking something
We fit, physical needs yet
What was missing?

If it wasn’t attractivness
You made it up in plain speech
If it wasnt the shadiness of meeting
It was in the simplicity and desperation
Of our joining

Yet whenever I left
Did you ever rest have thoughts like mine
Repealing
This verge on the soul
You gave me all I could want
And we were spent
But
Did you ever consider we lost much more?

I always kind of wondered what happened, to break your heart.

I wondered, why you seemed distant, closed off –
Or if that was how your walls were built, to enshroud view
You weren’t willing
You had an unwavering,
Pragmatic view
From the way you prepared meals
To soccer cleats and
Terminals that bespoke of what you do.

I don’t know except
I never knew exactly how to address you
Though it was easy.
A name, face, pictures
And listing.
If this was a game, you played it well
Took the going to
And coming from with
Practiced ease

Ultimately we were strangers
How comfortably you played the game
Meet criteria, each point exceeding
Yet somehow still destined to fail.

09.07.17
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the battle.

Sometimes it’s hard
But I don’t want that connotation
Of love and strength and devotion
Oftentimes I am weak
Tired and pushed by inner bounds that creak
Wreak havoc on the mental peace
And I am straining in the ordinariness
Comfortable bounds of everyday
I suppose it speaks to the restlessness that
Writhes in the veins
But I want to give in
It would be so easy
To message him
Be on his front step in 30
But what good would that do
Possible rejection repercussions
Of more than a few nights, months
Due
These memories and sensations
Can ransack vestiges of self left
It bites and wants to claw
Every which way it can
But which wolf do I feed?
Why couldn’t it be more simply
A benign equation
I am trying to put off
By substituting my means to the end
It’s either manifesting in thoughts
Wanting to be caught up
In his bed.
But there is no love lost there
Just hips piston in a release
There is no sympathy here
Only an agreement prior and trite
Respect after the claiming.
Why do we fight everyday?
Why not immerse in self
Accept we sometimes cannot reclaim
What we have given up so easily
I am tired but it’s not over,
That fight
I’ll rise again
Because I have to
Sing a happier song before the onslaught of plight
And be wearied by mental battering
Ramming at defenses nigh high.
09.13.17

the problem.

i will not come to you anymore
biting, scatching, burning

nuzzling, huggling in imitations
of a face
i wanted to know
but hardly, truly knew

and i know this is rattled out on a Sunday morning
and my emotions cave
like a porous clanging
amorous teeming with
mental unstability

i can’t deal with me,
these times.
hozier’s crooning
gets me by,
but there are bigger things at stake

friendship teetering on scales
and background singers
whose sail of vibrato
is the only thread connecting me to reality.

i sometimes get sad at the slightest thing,
because all you wanted to do is protect me;
and if i could,
the self-destructive button would be pressed immediately
to rapidly turn around
when scorned, refused
i am tired
of wanting myself to be used
constantly crawling back
in lieu of friendship, the things we lack
the problem is
we’re not that for each other
so let me face this fact.

09/24/17

I should let a lot of things go.

I should let a lot of things go

And I’m trying

Though not with full force in tow

 

But I need to let you alone

I need to leave you be

Like, literally

 

Someone, please teach me

How to accept

Let things be done

Note: Not to attach self

When the cards have

Lasted their turn

 

I’m the only one agonizing here,

At least,

I think so

 

I want to find a peace

That accepts

What can’t be accepted fully.

07/12/17

of belated skype conversations and response poetry.

heartaches and heartbreaks
at 12:58 am
it’s reading your poem
it’s reading your response
that i’m left bereft.

i ought to leave you be
i said i would close the chapter on this meeting
and yet here i am
with unravelled plans
and no sense of where to go, exceeding

07.04.17