to make sense.

I am sad

We’re not the same as before

From when we gladly would take less than a split second to decide

On whether a restaurant

Held our interest and that particular brand

Of zest, fulfillment, life

 

But now we’re separated

An invisible roadblock;

It is to life and the loss of element –

 

Not that you ever asked,

Or that I ever quite complained

 

But it hurt when you used my sins against me

When you’d throw me to the dogs

If only it’d bring you to a higher point in his eyes

 

I am not the victim and yet

You and I have much growing up to do

In dealings with men

Or lack thereof relationships

 

I know we’re trying to grow,

Respectively,

Me

You

 

And this whole time, I thought I had the grander, better perspective;

That I knew what to do,

So it was as if I schooled, tutored you;

But you have, you are your own person, being.

 

I don’t somehow, regret what I did

As callous as it sounds in being

But I do regret how it made you feel –

 

But in a bittersweet way,

It felt like comeuppance,

Because then you and then I

Understood what it was like to be betrayed.

 

No matter the times I’ll say

Nothing happened of the sort

And who cares if I like him or not –

Things are cut off, but tendrils ever casting their shadows

Hold a presence even when the concrete

Has been cast off.

 

So I don’t want to cling onto a friendship

That has in a way grown past due

Because maybe I, too, was unhealthy for you.

 

I can’t and I do presume to be a knowing voice of fortitude;

Yet you saw me mess up time and time again,

But hell, I’m trying, really trying

To be better than the person I am.

 

You’ll not read this,

Unless I show you.

 

I speak to complications,

And intertwined webs of pseudo jealousy –

I am sad because our allegiance sways

And there’s no trust, belief

 

And I wish there was a scapegoat to blame;

I wish I could pin it on human faults,

Allowing remnants of what existed

Of our friendship, to fester

In plain. Sight.

 

But you had overstepped where you did,

And it’s so hard to forgive you.

And I had callously done what I did

I am not the person you make me out to be

Because my own demons could pitchfork me

Into another realm, unseeing;

So now you can’t believe me,

Which makes sense.

 

To this lackluster friendship, feeling

I guess this is what does/n’t make sense.

10/16/17

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of relationships and tangled regrets.

When there wasn’t much to steal

In the first place

And the reveal of the heart

In a car ride conversation

Seems honest to goodness

An earnest outpouring of

What could be the start

Of friendship

 

But instead, we’re all a little

Discombobulated

Whether it’s attraction here

Affection there

Joking and flirtation aside

 

I’m literally, fine

Not quite with things turned out

But how he’s yours not mine

In this harried rat race

it’s our friendship first

And if anything, a genuine concern

For our long standing bud-ship

To be eclipsed

By some guy.

 

I’d say it’s whatever, but it’s not.

I just want you to be happy,

Though I said in different ways:

“I wish I never had introduced you guys”

It’s more because I’m beset

By how its affected you;

Here we are, caring with how

he takes this and how she interprets this too.

 

You’re right, it’s drama

Quite spanning more months than a few

And I’m resolved to peace

More than anything,

Tolerance, at least.

 

He’s not my choice for you.

But in the end, it’s your decision

On what you want to do.

07/02/17

Nothingness

It’s all emotionless.

Tight curls of hair

To powerfully curved hips –

Laying there,

I stared at empty space

Wondering why I thought I wanted this

Because I wanted to stop.

 

Closeness meant nothing

Lips licking, rubbing against mine meant nothing,

Your chin smelled like sex,

So I nuzzled it – nothing

Being overridden, supposedly arousing, wasn’t

That dull pain made me backtrack

 

A stranger’s hands turned me over

Tried too hard to consume me

While I wondered why I felt absolutely nothing

What an emotional misfit.

 

As a blue light peered a time

In an all-together pitch black room

I wanted it to be over with soon;

To put my hand in yours was a mistake,

To give into lust and that charring taste

like ashen floors.

 

My mouth sweeping up the dust

Hoping to come up with more

Tears dropping of their own accord,

I realized again

I don’t want this

Why did I ever think I wanted this;

I hate it.

 

Don’t want to do this again,

And broken down, kneeling

Wanting to feel anything

Through a sultry, darkened,

Upturned face

If there was the barest connection

Not friendship

Not even a tenuous lust

With a thread so thin, liable to break.

 

Because of my recklessness and

A purported lover’s trust –

His body was beautiful

But meant nothing.

 

 

Only completion.

And it was half-hearted

Half-exerted effort.

When you try to make the most of anything

It’s pity sex and I

Had told myself before

No more

No such thing

My mouth and mind spring lies

I all too well end up eating.