i’ve found out that i’m really no one.

The original

The hardest reality

Was realizing I couldn’t be with you;

That you have more than a lot on your plate

And that I am someone who passed by in haste.

I liked the nuance and danger of someone new,

The heightening appeal that lust was this hunger insatiable

Even as it tore me,

And dragged me to places,

Parking lot spaces and to dating apps where hook ups were really child’s play –

Somehow our spotty connection and offers of comfort –

Was yours still good to take?

I don’t regret that night, yet

I regret how I used you,

But to be fair

We had our own share of using, too.

We each have our own difficulties,

And I’m not saying we need to have to come to

Some solid meeting,

But I was in this fairytale haze –

Of how I saw you and me.

Like, we could coexist in this particle of peace.

If I just separate from the world and its problems,

To commitments made

And how actions bled into other things –

Is it I who comfort you momentarily

Or you, me?

Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that

past my poems,

Past your songs,

Past that line we crossed we’re just people drifting?

I saw reality so hard to only want to break free from it.

 

Your sentiment hit me so palpably

I was tingling and dizzy and numb from it –

And the clarity of mint lemonade,

5:36 am convos with the bud

Could only wake me from it.

 

I am not mine

You are not yours

 

We are not made of make ups

Break ups and emotional overhauls, galore

And you are not that night we spent together

I am not that idea you had from forever

 

We are people, independent and more than free to exist

You are

I am

–we are, who we, we ourselves are.

 

I am not yours

And you are not mine, so

Here’s to flip-flopping

And your eyes that bore and darted from mine.

 

May your heart roam free, unhindered, alive.

And I’ll endeavor to do the same in time.

08/16/17

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the taste of you.

like a potent,

strong heady brew

he lures me in –

not with platitudes

but the comfort of himself,

all that i took too well

all that we can offer or see

is caught up in texture,

emotional feeling.

 

i take up this space in the mind

his words formulate to impact

and remind me why

things are better left untouched

but we had gone where we did

traversed planes of closeness

with music and sentiment

 

–if only eyes could absorb,

dispel, ring truth

yet our awkward doubts resonated through.

 

you were honest with me as i,

haven’t entirely been with you.

i’d sip you so cautiously –

but you’re not mine to consume.

a part of my heart said,

to let you go –

another headier, selfish part said

but why – what harm though?

Now I see.

Emotions take a toll,

even with lack of physicality.

 

08/10/17

The Night We Kept

Take me back to

The night we kept

Close to us

Remember us

And now we’re loosed

I want you to be freed

In your own symphony

So you float,

On your own boat

Wherever you sail to go

May then, there be vast waters competing

 

None of that easy sailing stuff

But the tune,

The yearning of that endless night

To guide you home.

07.27.17

creation colors.

No matter what colors

You try to paint of me

I am as by design

Despite nicks,

Flaws,

Characteristics

 

I am a portrait in its prime

And even then a progress, incomplete

 

Even until this day

 

I am the colors

As other have filled in the summit of love, memories, and gratefulness

 

All of this, and then some of which

I choose, make up me

I am somehow, still not me

Because I have not yet reached

The zenith

That totality of being.

07/27/17

rescue me.

I’ve got a nervous habit

Where I think too much

I get lost in guys

And I feel like I lose Your Love

 

I got my weakness in thought,

Vices, lack sleep and such

But hold onto me, hold onto me –

You’ll never leave,

You’ll never leave.

 

I put faith and feeling in guys I don’t know

It takes my mind off things,

But there’s no room to grow.

When you’re stifled by self and indecision in tow,

 

Could you rescue me, from the self in me?

07.09.17