of belated skype conversations and response poetry.

heartaches and heartbreaks
at 12:58 am
it’s reading your poem
it’s reading your response
that i’m left bereft.

i ought to leave you be
i said i would close the chapter on this meeting
and yet here i am
with unravelled plans
and no sense of where to go, exceeding

07.04.17

of passing ships and nights at bay.

I cannot string you along

I think that is most cruel

Did I do that for two and a half years

Did I breathe at all in renewal?

I jumped from guy to guy

Not much thought in the process

I sought these highs

In business

In friends

In feeling and appearing accomplished

You were not where all my happiness

Came to lay

You were not always that

Shining star

I held you at this pinnacle

I let my body become some other’s play art, play thing

 

I played you I think

I played myself

Said I deserved better, inwardly

Said you deserved better,

Saw myself not worth being

 

You tried to show me unconditional love

Not that I would know

I prayed and asked about it

I wanted to feel it,

So I obsessed about it in my own way

In quest for something

I did not know.

 

Not true.

 

It was given to me,

At birth.

It was given before

The world.

It was in the minute and big;

In the purity and serenity of a flower

It was in the silence of hectic life

And your patience and affection in tow

 

You were more than some guy I met online

You were more than some guy I gave my time

 

I gave you my thoughts,

Feelings, sentiments at 2, 4 am

In between 5 summer classes

In one-go-kinda thing

 

It’s the love from others

I take to rest with me

All the material comforts

All the intangibles

That are felt without seeing

 

I’m sorry our love was

Like ships passing in the night

At once we met and docked

Our sides and helms together

Buckled under the force of water

Bobbed with the force and tidal wave of life,

But I was such a fickle thing

Once we interacted

Time and time again

 

I wanted these two molten beings

To become one

To crest waves and destinations,

Together, united under

The same setting sun

 

But it’s not that easy.

 

Passing ships in the night –

Our helms sensing the other going by

I took my own course

It’s to vessels I encountered for the sake of

Lost self, in feeling

Disparate, disconnected,

Disembargoed, disembarked

 

Entirely from the beauty that is you.

 

We never fully met

But I’d feel you so close

Hearkening my heart

From leagues away

 

I looked for other shores

Adrenaline adventures

Crazy, swash (dumb) bucket

Forays – those

“stories” that could be regaled for days but

 

Some, if not most paled

Mostly, those guys,

My self-esteem

And commitment issues

Were an excuse

 

I wanted you

Could not have you

 

Even in the leagues

Even in the meeting

On those seas

 

I was longing and still,

Longing for something aside from

The transient

The passing fleeting

Though your ship

Sounds will echo on

 

I am beside myself

Not entirely lost at sea

I wish I had better answers

About my adrift feelings

I want to close the chapter

But I hesitate for lack of strength

I want to know you’ll be all right

If our paths ever cross again

06/27/17

of relationships and tangled regrets.

When there wasn’t much to steal

In the first place

And the reveal of the heart

In a car ride conversation

Seems honest to goodness

An earnest outpouring of

What could be the start

Of friendship

 

But instead, we’re all a little

Discombobulated

Whether it’s attraction here

Affection there

Joking and flirtation aside

 

I’m literally, fine

Not quite with things turned out

But how he’s yours not mine

In this harried rat race

it’s our friendship first

And if anything, a genuine concern

For our long standing bud-ship

To be eclipsed

By some guy.

 

I’d say it’s whatever, but it’s not.

I just want you to be happy,

Though I said in different ways:

“I wish I never had introduced you guys”

It’s more because I’m beset

By how its affected you;

Here we are, caring with how

he takes this and how she interprets this too.

 

You’re right, it’s drama

Quite spanning more months than a few

And I’m resolved to peace

More than anything,

Tolerance, at least.

 

He’s not my choice for you.

But in the end, it’s your decision

On what you want to do.

07/02/17

V.

I thought I had control

He and I talked up once again

And blinded by apathy or sin

I didn’t mind, initially,

The frenetic way I engaged

With him

I thought I had control

 

Apparently I’m not one to learn from mistakes

No matter where I’ve been

Houston, San Antonio,

Online rooms,

Apparently I’m not one to learn from my mistakes

 

No matter where I’ve been.

 

Now I write this out,

The nth poem

Hashing things out

A grandeur release

A climax always pre-deceased

As I write this out.

 

My body for a while

I saw a ragdoll,

An enticing thing to perform

Not one sacred, not part of a soul

Or if it was, allow it to be

Destroyed, not caring to salvage anymore

That was my body for a while

 

And a time I realized

Why not enjoy the sights

Of your face, shoulders, chest existence

In my space

Why not take you in

I longed for your sighs

A face pressed into pillow, entangled in sheets

A comfort, a warmth, an understanding being

I longed for your sighs

 

I loved to tease you too;

Bring us both to brinks,

Irk and ruffle blanket sheets

I loved to tease you too

 

I always seem to come back

You’re a habit, I break

But cannot crack

Do I know you

Do you know me

I always seem to come back.