it’s gonna take a while

as with anything.

07.27.17

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we protect ourselves so readily.

we protect ourselves so readily

our walls are up this high

we had our night together

your music flooded my mind

and now we’re in strained silence

yet allowing life to pass us by

so i take your excitement, at nonchalance

and you take my hesitancy as me trying to brush you off –

i am.

 

i want you to do your thing

I want you to be fulfilled and free.

 

and though I write this on a page

which you’ll probably never see,

the reassurance it brings is that

these are the mite thoughts

that I can share,

can keep.

 

07.12.17

I.

I miss those small gestures
Sweep a speck of hair
Lightly boop the tip of your nose

Almost unfettered,
Did these emotions flow
I’m sure they built over time
Was ours a whirlwind most sublime
Or was it just technology
In tandem with millennial boredom
And coincidence
And shared favorites
Similar purposes
We met for one reason,
We kept talking for another –

Never met
Yet our
Convo has kept
Has endured its
Own type of tests.
This cannot be imagined.

We met before I left for Korea
(Should say was to leave*)
Towards the end of October
You’d returned recently from a concert
To your liking.
We talked of pumpkins and ghosts
And nightmares galore,
Then at that moment, I thought:
I could never like this guy, even date him
But what Future has in store.

So we talked and talked and talked
You’d think it was eons and absurdity, it was.
2 am to 3 am conversations
Nonsensical things
By December we were both enamored
Or at least interested (infatuated? Came later?)

And expressed as much,
But I admitted first.

Since 2014, I guess you’d agree we’ve talked
And that spring I was to leave
But devastated
To find out
That there was barely any time
For me visiting.
I was so endlessly hung up,
On seeing you.

And you were nervous, cautious
You had your own reasons too.

We threw one another for all these loops,
So instead of Korea, I went to Houston.
If nothing makes sense it’s this,
Despite all the mistakes, those late nights, those underground clubs, those variety of eateries  (Peruvian, German, Mediterranean, Pies)
The silence was unnerving,
Your support at first was unwavering,
Until I realized I could not easily take
The lack of bodies around,
A seeming longing enough profound,
No friends, no family
Should’ve been what I wished
Instead closeness was gleaned
From a man
Somewhere in Connecticut

past.

Why do we have hope for useless things?

Past relationships,

Past occurrences,

As if to rethink the obvious

Would recreate that event – that feeling?

Chalk it up to

Human cognition,

Thinking we can change anything.

When the past is fleeting;

Gone the next,

Forever in thoughts,

Never to let its thinker rest.

04/26/16